What are we talking about when we say that women are independent today?

Every year around International Women’s Day, "independent women" is a hot topic.

In the concept of "independent women", economic independence is often mentioned, while spiritual independence is easily ignored.In fact, in the eyes of psychologists, a woman’s real independence begins with spiritual independence.

External economic independence, internal spiritual independence, fullness and abundance, this is a heroic journey of female independence.

For a long time, generations of women have been pursuing independence.

All women face an important issue: what does independence mean? What is the standard of independence?

Independence must include the economic dimension, but also the independence and freedom of the spiritual dimension. We can witness such independent female spokespersons in various fields such as politics, business and culture.

In 1928, the British woman writer Woolf put forward: "If a woman wants to write a novel, she must have money and a room of her own."

Cover of A Room of My Own | Virginia Woolf (Woolf)

However, due to the limitations of the times, society and culture,Many women’s independence in economic and spiritual dimensions is unbalanced. Like two runways, one is 100 meters long and the other is 50 meters long.

The road of spiritual independence, which is half short, is not easy to walk. It requires women to bravely walk out of the family of origin behind them, psychologically separate from their parents, truly become their own individualization, and move towards an open and creative world.

According to psychologists, a woman’s real independence begins with spiritual independence, not economic independence. The cornerstone of spiritual independence is laid in the early life.

"An independent woman, first of all, is a woman with subjectivity. She knows her truth as a woman and has been exploring and advancing." Psychoanalyst Lin Cuiping’s portrait of independent women is:Dare to love and hate, dare to say and do, dare to be responsible, dare to say yes and no, dare to be willful, dare to be overbearing, dare to be "bad" and dare to be "shameless".Of course, both "bad" and "shameless" here need to be explained: "bad" means that you can break through the shackles of "how should you" that bind your vitality and do something out of the box; "Shameless" means to make your thin face thicker, and to think that what you think and do is so destructive that others can’t stand it and make the world worse. In fact, women can be brave, do what they want and live the life they want.

"If a woman longs for independence, she needs to establish a real ideal. That is, what kind of woman I want to be, what is the significance of my existence in the world, and there must be such an ideal level of pursuit. " Wang Ran, a psychoanalyst, believes that it is this ideal that is far away and can be worked hard for, which leads a woman to embark on her own road of independence, and undertakes the responsibility of choice, possible setbacks and even risks for this ideal.

Zhen Hongli, a female sexual health clinic expert and doctor of medical psychology at Beijing Wuzhou Women’s Hospital, said: "I very much agree that women’s independence is first and foremost spiritual independence." When she was a girl, she established the direction of studying sexology, and gradually became clear about her ideal of seeking "sexual happiness" for depressed China people. "This ideal has not changed." Zhen Hongli insisted on making podcasts, recording AIDS prevention videos for college students, and telling the sensitive organs of the human body from her mouth was as generous and calm as saying eyes and nose, which made many listeners no longer ashamed of their love and desire.

Another important characteristic of spiritual independence is independent thinking and independent thinking."It takes a lot of courage to stand up and face your enemies, but it takes more courage to stand up and face your friends." J.K. Rowling, a female writer who has created a magnificent magical world, has recently been involved in a huge cyber storm because she opposes transgender people who have not had sex surgery to enter the women’s toilet; Even while celebrating the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter, she was expelled from the wizarding world, and several leading actors broke with her. But she still firmly made her voice: I can’t agree to admit transgender people so easily, and we should protect women’s basic personal rights from possible infringement. Dong Rufeng, a psychological counselor, said: "A woman with subjectivity will think independently, have her own opinions, and make a brave voice for the truth and value she believes;" Even in the face of strong social pressure and threats from others, I will not give up the courage to express my voice. "

Facebook | @JKRowling

Zou Qin, a psychoanalyst, believes that it is the only way for a woman to become an independent person to cross Oedipus complex, that is, whether we have separated from our own family of origin and completed the separation and individualization.

"In the family, a woman has to go through such a psychological process: the first person she loves is her mother. When she was two or three years old, she turned from her mother’s arms to her father. Finally, she gave up her desire and fantasy for her father and returned to her mother to identify with her and develop her own femininity." Zou Qin said that in this process, the mother needs to be in office, and the parenting before the girl is two or three years old is enough before she can turn to her father; Moreover, the girl’s turning to her father also needs her father to be in office and functional. "The road for women from girls to women is longer than that for boys. According to western scholars, when a boy was about 3 years old, he entered the Oedipus period and was castrated, so the Oedipus complex ended and he became a man. But it will take many years for a girl to go this way, and she may not be able to pass until she is 9 to 10 years old.If there is a father or mother who is not in power, many girls will get stuck here, separation and individualization will not be completed, and she will not be able to become an independent woman. "

Zou Qin said that this is also the reason why many women encounter difficulties in the workplace, interpersonal relationships or intimate relationships. Further analysis, tracing back to the source, will find that she is in the position of being "captured" by her mother or father and enjoying her, she must exist as the object of her mother, or she is in a position of competing with her mother, or her father did not give her a gentle and firm rejection and affectionate feelings without temptation, which all caused the pain that the girl and her parents could not be separated. Women may grow up to their thirties and forties, and their minds are like a little girl. In all kinds of relationships, they are looking for their mothers’ arms and their fathers’ eyes. In all kinds of people and situations, psychological dramas of projection and recognition are constantly staged, but they cannot break through.

So, what exactly is an independent woman? Zou Qin believes that after a girl passes Oedipus, she not only recognizes her mother’s femininity, but also internalizes her father’s strength, so she can leave her parents and go her own way. She can not only create vivid life experiences, but also go to another man to love and be loved.

For many women, the road of women’s independence is likely to be long; If the integration with parents is too deep, even reaching the level of "seizing the house" in The Untamed, long-term psychoanalysis may be needed to complete the separation and individualization in a safe and functional relationship. Bruni, the famous French model and the wife of former President Sarkozy, once admitted in an interview that she had done psychoanalysis for eight years. Lin Xiaoping said that in fact, today, having your own psychoanalyst is a new ICON for women’s independence.

Harper’s Bazaar US | Carla Bruni (Bruni)

Here, the most important thing is to realize that our excessive integration with our parents may make us stay in the little girl’s mind after adulthood; It’s time to embark on an independent journey of powerful women.

A woman who has not completed the separation and individualization from her parents is likely to encounter difficulties in all aspects of her life after she becomes an adult.

In the workplace, she may have high achievements, but she can’t enjoy them; Because she didn’t harvest these achievements for herself, she wanted to sacrifice them to her parents.

In intimate relationships, the difficulties she encountered are even more prominent. She may be in the position of an abused victim or a garbage object, unable to have self-worth, truly get happiness, and unable to leave those bad relationships; Or, she longs for intimacy, but she can’t enter intimacy, and she can’t trust herself to deserve it.

In real life, regardless of age, there are still many women who dream of princesses, and they fall into the Chinese and foreign sweet pet dramas of "overbearing presidents fall in love with me". They fantasize about a man who is like a father, a brother, a lover and a warrior. He overcomes thousands of difficulties and rides a white horse to meet himself in a super run, and he loves himself unconditionally and comprehensively like a mother. He is also very rich, all kinds of ups and downs are blocked, and he can even block a knife and even sacrifice his life for himself at a critical moment. "This is an idealized dream." Lin Cuiping said, "The overbearing president is also an idealized man who can’t exist. He is an ideal father and an ideal mother in one. This is a dream of a little girl who is eager to integrate with her parents."

Some women have passively become accessories of a man, or even become "disappearing women", and have to bear unequal relationships and even endure the humiliation of men’s constant infidelity. In the film and television drama, in the divorce announced by celebrities and officials, such a relationship model is not uncommon around us. Psychoanalyst Wang Ran thinks: "We (women) have actually been shaped as the objects of men’s desires. This position is very uncomfortable. In fact, a man will not always be attracted by a woman who has no subjectivity and is only an object, but he will be attracted by a woman who has subjectivity and works hard, or other women with different styles; At this time, a good wife and mother and a woman as an accessory will find that they have lost a lot. In fact, we are both objects and subjects, and we are both subjects and objects with men, so that there can be a truly equal discourse exchange. "

How does a truly independent woman love? Zou Qin said: "I think of Shu Ting’s famous poem" To the Oak Tree ",which describes’ I must be a kapok near you/stand with you as the image of a tree, cling to the ground/leaves, touch in the clouds …’ It gives a vivid and accurate image of an independent woman’s intimate relationship.When women are really independent in spirit, they will be brave and devoted to love, and they will be loved happily and happily, constantly creating more possibilities in intimate relationships; She is not afraid to rely on, but will defend her own boundaries and respect others’ boundaries.Zou Qin believes that the marriage between diving star Guo Jingjing and Huo Qigang is a very good example. As a tree, she stands side by side with another tree.

Weibo | @ Guo Jingjing

Lin Cuiping:

"Let’s try to answer an important question: Who am I?"

Lin Cuiping, a psychoanalyst, is planning a salon where everyone who comes to the salon can talk about "who am I" as the main body. She said that this question is a compulsory question for every woman’s spiritual independence.

"Just as I asked my father to give me a place, my father just said that I am his daughter and will be a man’s wife and the mother of the child in the future. I asked my mother, who am I? She will only tell me that I am the sun of our family, and my mission is to be a big lady, but that is my mother’s lost female symbol, not me. Since my father died at the age of 29, I have embarked on my own road of female independence, from China to tavistock, England, and then to Paris, France, looking for my own answer.

"I think, we will exist in our own way, not determined by the words and rhetoric of others, not defined by comparison next to people who are used as reference, we are customized; We should speak in various ways and answer: as a subject of life, who am I, what is my desire, and what I think is meaningful in my life.

"Many women are afraid that starting independence will make them lose the symbolic value of women. That’s not true. Women’s independence and gender symbols can coexist. So, don’t be afraid. Saying goodbye to the old identity will bring us anxiety, fear and panic, but once we open the road to independence, we will gain joy and freedom to embrace the new identity. Not only will you not lose your female symbol, on the contrary, you will have more-Leopard can be used to describe the new life that this independent new identity brings to women: it is safe, sexy, aggressive and impulsive, but also fashionable, attractive, loving and loved, trusting and creative, and at the same time free and lively. "

The road to women’s independence is diverse and rich, and every woman can choose the path that suits her personality. The following are three paths that psychologists believe that most women can experience in their own lives-

1. Be brave to talk about a great love;Many women have this experience: a love, a marriage, regardless of its outcome, is often an important gift to awaken their lives. Partnership is one of the most intimate relationships in the world. A devoted relationship and the people we love can often play the role of therapists. In love, we don’t meet a person by accident; In the great love legend, there is a love navigation map that has long been engraved in the heart.When we recognize and deeply connect with another life, love and be loved, the experience we once had from our caregivers in the early life is likely to be activated and healed.

Of course, we are also likely to fall into a pattern of compulsive repetition in one relationship after another, and may continue to enter the same kind of weak, rescued or abused partnership; But it also reminds us that there are potholes that need to be repaired somewhere.

2. Find your own language by writing:In today’s self-media era, writing has become a creative activity that every woman who has received language education can participate in. Through writing, countless women become editors, journalists, photographers and editors-in-chief of their own life experiences.

"Writing is also a very important way for women’s spiritual independence." Lin Cuiping believes that just as the unconscious is formed like language, writing externalizes a woman’s inner world through language, in the form of poems, comments, reports or first-person monologues. Writing is like a river, and language moves forward in a mighty and endless stream. Observing today’s female writing, the styles are very diverse. Many women write about their family, growth history, father and mother, their own choices, dreams and even fantasies. Through such writing, in these writing and speech, women’s subject and body are present, and their emotions and existence are present.

"These betting women’s life experiences are the wealth of every woman." Lin Cuiping said, more importantly,Female writing helps women find their own language and presents the subjectivity of "who am I" to the whole world.

3. Invest in and create a life:Every woman is a creator. "Creating changes human beings, living creatively makes us mature and confident, and opens up new life possibilities." Lin Cuiping said.

It can be a runaway trip without asking the destination, going through a traffic tunnel like sea, land and air, and putting yourself in another unexpected time and place; This will make a life subject clearly experience his own independent existence, and it is also an introspective dialogue with himself and nature.

It can be touching clay with hands, planting flowers and plants, rotating a door, and painting a landscape … and then, it will grow into a rich and brand-new experience. Dedicated and creative life can happen every day and night, in cities and villages, theaters and vegetable markets …

You can also create a large or small company, or design architecture, home, clothing or web pages, or dress up every imaginary image on a simple face, just like giving birth to a child.

It can be dancing. Nietzsche said: "Every day that never dances is a disappointment to life." Our body is a treasure, with beautiful voice, inner scenery and rich melody. Listening to ourselves in our body will make every woman realize.

At the same time, create beauty and charm. "Beauty is what everyone pursues. Beautiful clothes and beautiful things, why should we refuse?The first canvas for a woman to create beauty is her own body; Every woman’s dress actually embodies her own beautiful spiritual structure. Our clothes are an extension of her own spirit, and of course, our faces and makeup."Wang Ran said," in the process of making ourselves shine, don’t immerse yourself in the eyes of others and don’t be domesticated by such eyes; We should open the dimension of beauty, and freely transform among the diversified and beautiful styles, such as luxury beauty, simple beauty, sexy beauty, natural beauty and design beauty.

The original text was published in the March issue of Bazaar.

Editor: Li Jin

Interview and writing: Yu Ling (national second-level psychological counselor)

Typesetting: Yuer, miffy

Psychologist support/psychoanalyst, counselor:

Lin Cuiping, Zou Qin, Wang Ran, Dong Rufeng

Toutu Photography/Hu Wenbo @KStudio

Editor, Image/Yu Kun K’

Makeup/Lugen Lucas

Hairstyle /TK WANG

Model/Ruiqi Jiang @ Longteng Elite

Fashion coordinator/steamed stuffed bun

Fashion Assistant /TanyaYu, Adan